Archive for January, 2007

23
Jan
07

It’s OK to laugh.

Always Funny – Midgets.

Yes midgets, not dwarfs or “little people” or other synonyms that make them sound like mythological creatures, why they’d prefer those are inexplicable. What negative connotation does midget have? Everyone knows what it is and attaches no negative emotions to it. It’s not “nigger” or “faggot” or even “Indian”.

Midgets are funny, sorry midgets, get used to it. You’re adorable no matter what you do. Their arms and hilarious little legs are what my dreams are made of. They just make me smile. Like puppies. I know that they are people with feelings, but how do you expect me not to look when someone with a huge (pun absolutely intended) physical defect shows up? If someone with a taint for a forehead walked by anyone would look, hell even the kid with the one little stumpy arm would look. By the way, how does that guy wipe his bum after he’s had a shit? If I were a midget I’d ride around on a tricycle and smoke cigars all day.

Often Funny – Gay men who act like total fruits.

I know laughing at all gay people is just wrong. Mostly because gay men in general aren’t very funny. They’re just like everyone else, boring. Always thinking of everyday stuff like laundry or what to make for dinner or how they’d like a snack. There are however gay men any sane person would laugh at. If someone doesn’t that person probably has serious anger issues.

You know the type of homosexual I’m talking about. These ultra-queer effeminate guys in tight gold hotpants, a pink tanktop, combat boots and that grating voice. The stereotype that’s come to haunt the LGBT movement for decades. One thing you have to remember is that those gay men exist, by the tens of thousands all over the world. I’ve seen some of them and they are hilariously absurd. Note that I don’t mention gay stereotypes on TV as being funny, American sitcoms are horrible.

Sometimes Funny – Kids who get themselves killed.

A child starving to death in Africa is horrible and tragic. These children were never given a chance in life and probably suffered more in their short lives than you or I in our comfy middle-class life ever will. Count your lucky stars you came from the right womb. That said, some kids deaths are incredibly funny. It’s all about context. When ever I hear about some rich kid getting bored and deciding that playing nailgun roulette or anal bottle rocket surprise is a good idea I chuckle. My only regret is that these kids didn’t take their parents with them so we’d be without their whining. Their parenting failed, they’re failures as parents and as human beings and their comedic value is essentially zero.

Even when kids get faux-depressed and decide to kill themselves I often laugh a little. What happened? Did Hot Topic run out of your size of leather pants? The least these little douchebags could do is leave a proper suicide note explaining how neither music nor video-games drove them to this. Spare me the angst ridden crap about how you loved your girlfriend/boyfriend. If anyone cared they’d have payed attention when you were alive. Stop ruining the fun for all the rest of us.

Never funny – Cool people.

Go into any indie cafe in the middle of the afternoon and you’ll find more of them than you’d ever care to see in your life. Don’t these people have jobs to do or at least some form of activity other than sitting around? It’s a beverage for fuck sake, it’s not the Messiah and this place isn’t the Temple Mount. If I hear one more asshole reading a book shushing me for having a normal conversation I’ll pour his coffee onto his book, throw his book onto the floor and then shit directly into his notebook. I don’t even know if these people are considered cool or even if they would describe themselves as such. They’re just too cool and ironic to be labeled.

Irony isn’t dead but half-assed sarcasm from idiots who study English Literature certainly is.

18
Jan
07

Feminism is dead, to me.

Recently the leader of the largest Swedish left wing party and former prime minister left his post and went into some form of retirement. That’s not really what I’m interested in, even in the slightest. What intrigues me is the hunt for a successor to the “throne” as it were. The party, the “Social Democrats” or some similar translation, have been in power for most of the past 80-100 years. From time to time they were switched out for some center-right coalition that never really worked very well. So come the next election the Social Democrats swept back into power. This past election an unusually “strong” center-right alliance managed to squeak by and win.

I’m not going to mention how much bullshit they threw around in the campaigns, the outright lies and the multiple shit storms (there’s an expression I never thought I’d pluralize) they’ve got going right now. To be honest most politicians and parties do that sort of stuff, no matter what ideology, that’s par for the course. This has been mentioned a billion times, because it’s so hilarious and constructive to point out. The fact is people keep falling the same stuff every election. When they finally realize this they just bitch and moan and never try to do anything about it. Neither do they attempt to engage in a rational discussion concerning politics and ideology. No one even wants to broach this subject. Kissing your reader’s, viewer’s or fan’s asses is much more rewarding. Where the hell do all these politicians come from? They don’t reproduce asexually in some dark pit somewhere. They come from the populous. The same type of schools and institutions and homes as you do. If lying is what works, that’s what they’ll do.

Getting back to the subject: the current front-runner for the leadership post is Mona Sahlin. A politicians with very little credibility among the constituents. Many county and municipality party members have also expressed much dismay at this possible outcome. The reasons for their distrust of her is partly based on a few minor scandals in the 90s. That sort of stuff doesn’t really bother me much. The main problem I have with her is that she’s swallowed the red pill of Idiot Feminism. This is the sort of feminism where no amount of scientific evidence, differences of opinion or facts can sway their narrow understanding of reality. To them society is just a huge patriarchy where men either subconsciously or overtly discriminate women. As if all men do all day is sit around in a secret club and plot evil schemes to fuck up a woman’s day. It could also be various institutions and social norms that consolidate this system. I have yet to see any scientific research to prove this. You’d think some researcher could stick a couple of people into a glass maze or something.

Don’t misunderstand me. I support equal rights for both sexes. Equal pay, equal amounts of ice in their drinks or whatever. I am however in some ways a pragmatist. There are areas where this won’t work. There will never be as many firemen who are women, they lack upper body strength. Changing “firemen” into the more politically correct “firefighter” is retarded and men will never (Joe Pesci willing) bare children. But with all these rights come the same amount of duties. When was the last time you heard a feminist demanding women be conscripted into the army? How many female welders are there, apart from those shown in awesome film classics such as Flashdance?

Ever think the reason why they keep raising the question of the number of female corporate board members could be because that’s their retirement plan? That’s how far removed they are from the public. Like the cleaning lady is going to retire to some fucking high payed cushy board position. Actual debate over social class and the gaps between rich and poor has been completely replaced by either shallow TV-friendly ploys or extremist hyperbole. Mona Sahlin either falls into this type of feminist politics or she’s just donning this costume in order to climb to power. Either way I’m not biting.

When people question how fit she is for the position her supporters immediately transform the entire discussion into a gender issue. Trust me, it’s not. There were at least three other female candidates that would have been more appropriate but who bowed out of the running. If the party elects Mona Sahlin, it’s as if they want to loose. Competence has nothing to do with gender. They should be out looking for the the most capable candidate and if that’s a woman, awesome. The previous leader also had tits.

PS.

I know this is sort of boring.

17
Jan
07

Nerdly.

If I’m not a nerd I’m at the very least a big geek and even I’m in awe. Although, differentiating the two is probably very nerdy…. Anyway, check out why aliens will never contact us: here.

There’s a fine line between cool and nerdy sometimes, this guy just thrust through it with a chainsaw and pooped all over living room floor on the nerdy side.

15
Jan
07

Music is sold differently, people are still idiots.

There’s this British band called Koopa who apparently broke into the UK top 40. No big deal right? “There’s probably at least 40 bands who have done that before”, you might be saying to yourself. You sly boots. Well this band just so happens to be unsigned and their single is available only via download. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it. You filthy smoker! These British people, who I assume run this thing, changed the rules of the list to include download-only music from various approved music sites. A pretty big step in the direction away from corporate interests clusterfucking the musical landscape of our society. Spreading about cheap, dumb, throw-away, shallow music. Uninspired in every sense of the word and made only to make a quick buck for some asshole in a tie. So what form of fantastic and imaginative euphony have we, the people, chosen to start this new era. Well as it turns out, complete and utter shit.

I’m really not a genre snob. I can listen to pretty much any genre of music and find at least a couple of things that I can enjoy. Granted that I reside on the more melodic slant of the musical spectrum. To me avant-garde music is just an excuse to not learn how to play an instrument and then call it art, much like punk. Punk music is just pretty much rock for people who never bothered to learn proper tablature. But even those forms of “music” came from some place, an ambition to express oneself. Tell us something about yourself. Koopa is just the same brand of functionally retarded fluff we’ve always been getting from the recording industry. There is really no artistic merit here at all. No, none. Stop that internal dialogue, you’re wrong.

So yes, this thing didn’t have the commercial backing of some huge conglomerate, big whoop. It still has all the same trappings of a band like My Chemical Romance or AFI. No I didn’t just choose them for their retarded fucking emo-mantra that makes me welcome a random coma inducing stroke. Fall Out Boy is perhaps a more apt comparision. Maybe these record companies continue making garbage because that’s what people like. In that case, they are geniuses. I think I just blew my own mind. This is still just a light weight faire compared to the utter void of artistry that is modern R&B and Hip hop. When was the last time R&B contained any rhythm or even a snippet of blues?

The point here is: I don’t care what you play, just play it from the heart. And for the love of Joe Pesci, people, get a fucking clue or stop listening to music. “Yeah but you can’t account for taste. My mom said so!”. Yes you can, I just did. I accounted for it, then re-counted it and made the decision for you. And your mom probably liked better music than you do.

14
Jan
07

I’m flaccid with rage!

What in the hell is your problem? Our relationship was what it was. I certainly knew what I was getting into when we first hooked up. You are a manipulative passive aggressive bitch and I’m an asshole. It’s as simple as that. I don’t care about what little tiny thing set of your emotional roller coaster ride this time, I really don’t. You had one, if not every day, at least once a week when we dated. Everything had to be so fucking dramatic. Everything was a deep black abyss of nothingness, or some such shit. Please be quiet.

Not everything that happens to you is important. In fact, I’m sure most of it isn’t even slightly interesting. Life really isn’t that hard. Honestly. And if you’re going to continue to complain you could at the very least become some sort of Buddhist monk (do Buddhists have nuns?) and move away to some place where you won’t have phone access. That way you won’t bother as many people with your “life is pain” bullshit.

You hurt yourself? Oh God that is so dark! Why not just get an eating disorder and then whine about that imaginary psychological ailment. I hear there’s some sort of placebo for that now. Leave the bodily abuse to those of us who know how it’s done. My life didn’t begin nor end with you. I’ve moved on and for all your posturing it seems to me you haven’t. Why else would you call me up on a Saturday and deliberately try to piss me off?

My life isn’t dramatically different after all of this. Here, let me give you a little example using my lifestyle.

Before

This is an illustration of my life before we met.

After

And this in an actual picture from after.

Sure some of the beer is a little cheaper, but that’s because I’m a cheap asshole. You should know that, seeing as how I bought you the “wrong” (i.e not 200+ dollars worth of) presents. Then again I never received a single one from you. At least now I don’t have someone constantly complaining about my drinking, while that very same person is gulping down Bacardi Breezers/Smirnoff Ices and hitting on every other man that comes along. So thank you for ruining my Saturday, I’m now blocking your number.

PS.
Ever contemplated suicide? It’s way cool and rocks ass. All the awesome people are doing it.

xoxoxo

03
Jan
07

The year in review.

It fucking sucked. It fucking blew. It was a piece of shit. And I didn’t like it.

Here’s to another 365 days of bullshit!