Archive for December, 2008

29
Dec
08

Economical.

I just want things to be slightly closer together than they are right now. Think of how much space, time and energy we would save if they were. Imagine the savings we would make during the course of a year. What if your bedroom was a few steps closer to the front door. The kettle a little bit closer to your cup. A far off country not quite so far off, just down the road. Things would run much smoother, take less time and you would be closer to all the things you love. Mind you, it would also mean that you were closer to the more unpleasant things. But nothing good without some bad. That’s what your grandmother says, probably. And with my plan her house would be closer to yours as well. No excuses left to not go see her, you lazy bum!

If we just started moving things closer together by even a fraction we’d save a surface area the size of, let’s say, Belgium. Think of all the stuff we could put there. Like all of our garbage and meaningless nicknacks. Although arguments could be made that Belgium is already filled with frivelous crap. Nevertheless it would free up lots of space for items we need. Such as cement mixers and movie parlors. Hoist, move and bind things together. A glimmering economical future is on the horizon. With gusto we set sail for frugality and delectation. Hoorah!

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26
Dec
08

Digital chirping.

Probably meaningless, possibly uninteresting, positively enthralling. The joy of technology re-enters my life thanks to Mr. Stephen Fry.

stephenfry

Hello there Stephen. I thorougly enjoyed your series on America. Although you will never read this it needed to be said none the less. Tweet on my friend, tweet on!

24
Dec
08

Accessorize, exercise, jizz.

Sex as a subject has become rather pathetic, to be frank. The myth that those who sleep with a lot of random people are really confident is complete and utter horse shit. In my experience men and women who behave in this way are in fact incredibly insecure. Constantly seeking confirmation and reassurance that they are as beautiful as they have convinced themselves. Is that acting secure?

Turning sex into some sort of power game or just immediate gratification drains it of all passion. I don’t want sex to just be pieces of meat flapping against one another. Marinated in alcohol and anxiety. People shouldn’t be picked up like accessories. You are not the centre of the cosmos. Your fleeting happiness is not the answer to the mysteries of life. Get over yourself. And the two of you clumsily jamming your genitals together on your room mates well-worn old couch is not passionate and sexy. No matter how many times you repeat this lie to yourself in an attempt to maintain thatĀ  hard on/stay wet.

I gave up one night stands some time ago. At first it wasn’t a moral choice or even one that came out of any deeper introspection. It was just a path taken out of a practical nature. People in general are absolutely terrible at fucking. Just awful. The quality was never as good as with someone I got a little bit familiar with. People who have such low self-esteem that they pathologically need to swallow another human beings bodily fluids every weekend tend to not have been in many meaningful relationships of any greater lengths. Therefore they have, out of a strictly numerical standpoint, fucked far fewer times. Practice makes perfect. There appears to be a tipping point where the quality of the bedroom shenanigans and the quantity of sexual partners converge and then invert. Both in a grander scheme and in specific situations.

Taking pride in appearing sexually attractive to people who will fuck just about anything is like being proud that you are Garry Glitter’s search engine of choice. It’s at best quite meaningless, at worst loathsome.

Tickling the fancy of someone you find to be truly unique. Having them share their innermost contrivances. Being able to disappoint in a painful way. That is sexy. That is beautiful. Poking someone in the groin while trying to refrain from spewing because of the motion and too much tequila is not. Unknown people are not. Acting tough will never be.

19
Dec
08

Stringbeany Arguments.

Eating meat is not immoral. And the people who claim that it is should fuck off. This is what I’m going to be proving as this little post zips along at a hopefully comfortable pace.

The main problem I have with vegetarians and vegans that have chosen their dietary habits upon moral convictions is not that they seem to be stuck in a convoluted circular argument but that they are intolerant and refuse to take a debate. I myself can be quite intolerant, I do not believe that we can all be right about all things at every possible situation, I however always leave an opening for debate. A possibility for everyone to lay forth an argument for their case. No vegan/vegetarian seems willing to do so. They open up with a condemnation of my ethical code and then do not even give me the benefit of questioning their motivations. Claiming intolerance on my part. No sir or madame, you are the one being intolerant.

Of course I’m going to defend myself in a more knee-jerk reactionary way if you confront me with ethical accusations. However, underlying my sharpened tone is a well thought out thesis. A series of moral arguments which reach a conclusion. Let me deconstruct some parts of it for you. To lay it bare for inspection. Eating other organisms is required for your own survival. That’s a given. Where some draw the line seems very murky to me. Apparently the clincher is intelligence in some form. What exactly does this intelligence manifest itself as? You could argue that a pig or a cow or a monkey are self-aware in one way or another. Alright. Is a shrimp or fish self-aware? Hardly. They only function according to very simple natural instincts. They just mindlessly repeat actions and react to their environment. If anything they are organic machines.

Even the more intelligent animals we use in farming owe their entire existence to us. None of them would be here were it not for human ingenuity. Does that not then give us some license to continue their existence? The combined realities of market forces and the physical characteristics of these animals guarantee that they would not be able to subsist without human society. Life’s continuation necessitates us generating money from breeding, selling and eating these animals. It becomes a requirement that I enjoy a good steak once in a while for their species to survive. You think a cow would fare well in the wild? They’re a bear’s equivalent of a bacchanal.

That is another point. There are other animals besides ourselves that eat meat. They are out there killing each other. All the time. Are they somehow immoral? Using such logic you would have to concede that they are, something a vegan would never admit though. They have so little familiarity with actual nature outside of Disney movies that they believe animals have human characteristics. Such as the moral concepts of good and evil, personality and emotions. Anthropomorphizing animals into just being humans with fur and strange ears performing little song and dance routines. They are not privy to these ideas we have compiled on life, the world and morality.

This is the sharp contrast these highfalutin supposedly ethically conscious vegetarians cannot grasp. We humans are animals, not separated from nature by a glass wall. We are governed by natural instincts and our evolutionary past. Yet at the same time we are unique in that we have the ability to be moral. And if morality is not strictly a human attribute we are without a doubt the only ones who can analyze it. We can formulate strings of thought and hypothesize on the inner workings of our own morality. Lay down arguments on why one should behave and be a certain way and not another. To then communicate this to other minds is absolutely awe inspiring. Either we humans are unique in having the concept of morality (and are thus better) or animals behave in an immoral fashion at almost every point in their lives. This would also make us better than our fuzzy little woodland friends. Which is it guacamole lovers?

Inflicting pointless harm and pain on another living and breathing being is to be appalled, of course it is. But why am I in the wrong because I enjoy consuming the carcass of an animal? Most of them have lived a relatively stress free and painless life. Far more enjoyable than a creature in the wild, trust me. If you want change, demand more reforms. Help make sure that farming is done properly. Don’t alienate the majority of people by taking a moral high ground of your own construction. If you look closely at it you will discover that it’s just a mound of bullshit that you’re standing on.

Bacon, pork chops, barbecue ribs, hamburgers, steaks, grilled chicken and cutlets. Yummy and enticingly scrumptious. Can I please retain one of the few pleasures in life?

16
Dec
08

This Intensely Precious Thing.

That warm feeling of empathy is re-entering my life for the first time in quite a while. An unusual feeling reserved for a precious few. It’s deliciously enticing and alluring. Tasty in its sheer humanity. My imagination runs rampant. I start fantasizing of crawling in under the covers of a warm bed, pressing up against the soft skin of someone special. Is that you? Why yes, I do believe it is.

Hearing you cry makes me happy. It’s peculiar, I know. The intimacy I felt was incredibly palpable. An emotional telepathy that choked me up. Going into my chest, stirring up everything. Giving me the resting heart rate of a serial killer. Every beat whispering a thousand promises. Who thought this one eventĀ  could contain such a dignified and yet intensely vulnerable beauty? Another one of life’s interesting contrasts I suppose.

I’m not a poet, nor am I a genius. So I do not know if I will ever be able to aptly express the complexity of the joyous emotions you instill in me. They are at times overwhelming. They wash over me with a force so strong that I have to grasp for sanity. Even though I do not want to. I need to be in full possession of my faculties if I am to match you. For all its strength it is also giddy, delicate and fluttering. Like a midget’s toes pitter-pattering across a tin roof.

I know I’m swooning, in the open and on the nose. Perhaps even pubescent in my attempts to phrase this as correctly as my senses allow me. I seldom get close to conveying what I truly feel. Never near giving words to the emotions that I harbor. Inside of these fossilized remnants of a romantic heart. But there is a tiny speck of living tissue left in there. Ready for a rebirth or resurrection. Like in Jurassic Park, or that one guy in the bible. Be my scientist, my lovely boffin.

Your acumen is both shiny and new. Brilliantly bright, blindingly beautiful in your elegant intellect. Engulf me, despite my hyperbole.

Thanks for all the things you meant to say. I sense them in the peripheral vision of my mind’s eye. Hopefully you and I can pull them into full focus, together.

04
Dec
08

Practical Solutions.

Sports and Health-care

Why don’t hockey teams put a sumo wrestler in the goal? Tiny little goal, big fat fellow, seems sort of obvious to me. And if you can’t find a Japanese guy simply throw in a fat mid-western housewife or something. Anyone with the right girth will do. They don’t even need to know how to skate. Just have the teammates escort this behemoth out on the ice and shove ’em between the posts. All this person has to do is stay put and wheeze for long enough to survive the playoffs.

Hell, it could even be a diabetic stroke victim that had to lose a foot at some point. There are plenty of those around, more than you’d think. High-fructose corn syrup is cheap. Let’s put these people to good use and take some of the burden off of our failing health-care system. Good ideas like these will save western democracy. I’ll make sure of it. Even if it kills us all.

By the way: if athletes injure themselves I don’t want to see them automatically end up first in line for treatment. He won’t be able to play anymore? Good, fuck him. He knew what he was getting into when he laced up. They are no more important than anyone else on that list. The guy’s shuffling around a piece of leather on a field with his friends all day. We won’t be losing a cure for cancer here.

Death and Burial

When I die my request is to not be buried. No cremation for me either, thanks. I have some rather specific wishes I want carried out by my family and friends. Dress up, festively and in vibrant colours. Wear funny hats and shoes. Party it up. Drink, smoke, snort, huff, inject or freebase whatever you want. But do it for at least two days before and after the ceremony.

Drag my body into a desert of your choice. Place my corpse upon a black plinth three stories in height. Wait until the sun is setting in the west and that magic hour arrives. And at the very right moment; blow the entire thing to pieces in a huge fucking fireball of destructive power. Then cheer loudly as tiny pieces of debris and my body parts rain down upon you. Don’t worry, there will be umbrellas available for the more conservative among you.

Airport Security

Let’s face it, we probably won’t be able to make all aspects of air travel completely safe from attacks by crazy people. Instead of investing billions of dollars world wide on trying to check all the passengers I’ve come up with a somewhat more cost effective solution. Line the inside of all the airplanes with a two inch thick plate of steel. Give all the passengers a baseball bat on each flight. A proper Louisville Slugger painted orange for visibility.

You think any terrorist wants to be trapped inside a metal tube at high altitude with a bunch of panicked and desperate passengers carrying blunt objects? Going out in a crash is one thing, being bludgeoned to death in a cramped space is quite another. Sure there will be some unfortunate incidents not related to terrorism once in a while but that’s just par for the course. Security is paramount.

We sure do put an inordinate amount of time and effort into inane nonsense. Not me though. Only important subjects cross my mind. I’m a modern day renaissance man. Off-brand and suspiciously out of sync. The North Korean cartoon propaganda version of a comedy legend.