Archive for the 'Life' Category

25
Jun
09

From Cyprus with Love.

While out driving a hot summer’s day on the mediterranean island (and country) of Cyprus I started craving something cool and quenching. As one is inclined to do. What better than a carbonated beverage of some sort and the tastiest of tasty ice creams? Nothing, that’s what, my good fellow – Is my answer to that self-posed question.

Ponder this scenario. We pull over at a camping ground/cafeteria/grilling-zone/national park information area. Bounding out of the cars, me and my girlfriend and her family, immediately zoom in on a small kiosk offering such delights as mentioned above. I don’t trust anyone who does not enjoy a delicious piece of iced cream. And I was pleasantly surprised to find that my in-laws, through my beloved common law wife, were also hungering for such a snack. This could be the start of a beautiful relationship, by proxy.

Jump to approximately three minutes later when everyone had purchased their guilty pleasures of choice and moved on to the picnic-tables to commence with the consumption. The children were snacking, the adults were guffawing, the flies buzzing and I was in for an unpleasant surprise. I had picked what seemed like the ultimate combination. A Kit Kat ice cream. As I devour both Kit Kat and ice cream with great relish the thought of these two in sequence almost blew my fucking mind. I shit you not! Or maybe just a little.

Unwrapping the paper quicker than a speed freak on uppers during an early Christmas morning I soon gazed upon it. The biggest lie in marketing since X-ray spectacles.

icecream

This my friends is not a “Kit Kat Ice Cream”. What it is however is a God damn Kit Kat mushed into some vanilla ice cream. Now I may have been the only one thinking there would be some amalgamation between the two. It would seem logical. To put it another way: Why in holy hell didn’t they mix them? Two things residing beside one another does not constitute a fusion of deliciously huge proportions. Like I said, this is just a single piece of Kit Kat jammed into an otherwise mediocre ice cream.

Shitty and disappointing, would be my conclusion. Thanks for ruining my day Nestlé, you confectionary whores.

03
May
09

A booger of a thought.

Self-righteousness is a swelling and bloating feeling I’m sensing in this social body I occupy. It’s pouring out of all corners and viciously attacking me from all angles imaginable. It’s not just oozing out of the regular go-to-places from which I’ve come to except this vile sense of self. Instead of the figurative smelly armpits of this global community I’m catching a whiff coming from, I don’t know, the ears or something. Can ears stink?

Christian people are easy targets these days. Especially in the secular haven of Scandinavia. I can literally (and hopefully)  go days without ever running into a person of the religious persuasion. What I cannot do however is avoid encountering the occasional smug cretin with their head lodged firmly and deeply up their own asshole. Oh, he may be a self-professed atheist, animal rights activist, fair trade-advocate. But he’s still incapable of rational thought and introspection. For instance; You see – he’s not an atheist because he’s come to the rational conclusion of a well deliberated internal argument. He’s a non-believer because he has been told that religious people are dumb and he’s certainly not dumb. He’s smart, his momma told him so, although all factual evidence points to the former. So in a seriously convoluted way, the only “logical” path to take is that of atheism. Not agnosticism by the way, that’s for pussies.

The same goes for faux-vegans, who don’t eat meat because people who do are immoral and inferior to them. Pseudo-eco warriors who only really care about the bike path outside their condo. Wannabe-feminists who join up because they hate men. Impostors shouting “support the troops!” while actively obstructing increased pay and benefits for service men/women.  Fake freedom of speech supporters who want to stop others from expressing offensive ideas. And anyone else who dons the mantel of righteousness to simply feel better about themselves. You can only truly know something if you actually believe in it. Answering the question: “Why do you believe?” with something akin to: “‘Cause!” or “It makes me feel good about myself.” are not viable options bucko.

Pointing fingers at people and proclaiming your superiority feels good sometimes. Damn good. Just remember to pull that sucker out of your nose first. It’s flu season you know.

19
Mar
09

Interestingly Outdated Idioms.

The connection between the heart icon and the soul gives off strange connotations these days. Ancient peoples believed that the heart was the seat of the human mind. Today it’s pretty much been whittled down to symbolising emotions of a romantic nature. We know that romantic feelings (which we hold so dear) do not reside in any bodily organ. Below the neck or above the waist, anyway. This outdated symbolism lives on as it’s rather quaint and charming. My Romantic Heart. If people once thought these things to be true, what other human conditions must they have believed to be housed in our various body parts?

– My Hedonistic Liver.

– My Platonic Pancreas.

– My Curious Appendix.

– My Impatient, But Curiously Resilient, Digestive System.

– My Ululating Ulceration.

Do any of these make less sense than the idea that romantic notions reside in the organ that pumps oxygen to our cells? It’s romantic, yes, but we could surely come up with something more modern and apt? Metaphors practically grow on trees. Come on poets, don’t just rest on your predecessor’s laurels. Get out there and romanticize post-modernity!

Maybe it just doesn’t hold up to scrutiny. Like romance, it has nothing to do with reason.

15
Mar
09

The Power of Imagination.

The economy does not actually exist. I know what you might be thinking now. “Hey, how deep of a hit did you just take from your opium bong? You godless hippie.” The short answer is: not that deep. The long answer is: An economy is just an agreed upon system of values and trade rules. It is no more set in stone than any other idea, and can be re-arranged or fundamentally revised any time we feel like it.

I know it seems as if economic systems, such as our pseudo-capitalist one, are quite real. As real as the buildings that house all of the institutions that prop up this concept. But it really isn’t. It’s “simply” a very elaborate system we have concocted in order to keep people producing goods and services that in the end benefit most of us. Motivated by greed. Punished by hunger. I will leave any further moral values and my own Utopian hopes out of it.

If this current model of incentives and punishment isn’t getting the job done let’s change it. Fine tune it to work better. Improve the social safety net for workers. Tax the rich bankers a little higher. Make sure stock trading is better regulated. Even out the peaks and valleys. We also have the short term option: Keep on buying stuff, you dumb shits.

A recession happens when people think a recession will happen. They stop buying and start saving. Industrialists stop producing the things that aren’t being bought anymore. The same people who stopped buying get fired and continue not buying (now for a different reason, lack of funds) and the downward spiral worsens. Do you want to keep your job? You want your friends to keep their jobs? Stop stuffing your mattress full of imaginary wealth printed on paper and purchase things that might be useful. Either sneakers with lights in the heals or a shotgun for fending off the mutants when this economic crisis hits apocalyptic proportions.

You think I am over-simplifying a very complex issue? Yes, I might be. Bare in mind though that economist’s seemingly elaborate hypotheses are not any more accurate. If these Oracles of Wall Street and Captains of Industry had any clue what pattern the market follows (if any) they’d be able to fix it. Instead they’re just throwing anything they can think of at the problem and seeing what sticks. So far, nothing is.

A system no-one understands isn’t a system, it’s chaos. So kick back, grab a beer you’ve just brewed in your own toilet and enjoy watching as these granite monoliths of capitalism crumble. Like that pension you had saved away. It’s much more fun watching something come crashing down. At least now you are not alone, standing in the rubble.

Also:

13
Mar
09

There cums the neighbourhood.

The other night me and the girlfriend were reliving shared but separate childhood memories by re-watching The Neverending Story. It was a spur of the moment type thing, so we got started rather late. As we were approaching the half-way mark we found ourselves getting the mid-night giggles. That stage of tiredness when everything seems rather funny. We were chatting in hushed and clipped tones and having a laugh at how poorly some of the elements in the movie had aged.

During this most pleasant of times we get interrupted by a loud banging on the wall followed by an equally loud yet muffled voice.

– “I’m actually trying to sleep!”

Or something to that effect came pouring through the wall we share with this apparently grumpy denizen. Most rude. That I had been forced to overhear said person have loud and obnoxious mid-day sex just a few days prior is of no concern. Apparently. Clamorous Afternoon Boinking – Perfectly acceptable. Average Nightly Conversation – Horrendous.

We weren’t having a rip-roaring booming time, with rowdy cheers and boisterous applauds. The volume was in every respect, reasonable. A bit too reasonable even. Had it sounded like twenty-odd burly men performing heavy construction in the middle of an ongoing party as a gaggle of geese were set ablaze for the party crowd’s amusement I should think my keen and sharp neighbour would have hesitated before bothering me with information on his sleeping habits. The silly git.

The addition of the word “actually” in his improvised and analog cross-domicile radio theatre opens up a whole other level of  possible interpretation. Did he actually expect us to know that his and our headboards were adjacent? What then must be his point with such rambunctious three o’clock sex? I dare not speculate any further into such perverted goings-on that must be…going on.

I quite often over-complicate things. He’s probably just a self-centered asshole. Which is an interesting idea, in and off itself.

12
Mar
09

A much smarter ape.

Humans kick ass. That is the one universal truth that we can all learn from our short little moment on this earth. The great lesson is not the beauty of nature, the delusions of God’s greatness or any other man-made construct, other than this. We, as a species, need not fear any other animal. Given enough time we will figure out its weakness, kill and eat it. Or turn its carcass into some amusing product to help make our lives more interesting.

Humans beings are dumb, selfish, evil, gluttonous, self-involved, murderous, vile and utterly irrational most of the time. I take no issue with this view  of the human race. What needs to be considered however is that all of these negative attributes we possess are concepts we have created. Any animal, even the little fuzzy ones we find cute, are much worse than the most horrid person. By our standards.

Show me a walrus that can play the violin or a chipmunk that has deeply theorized on its own existence and I might change my tune. Until then I’ll enjoy being a dirty stinking ape, of the more clever variety.

We are the crowning achievement of creation. As of yet.

12
Jan
09

Say what?

I want to find interesting and unusual ways of phrasing myself. I strive towards it constantly and with all the determination I can muster. There is a form of yearning inside of me. A want, for something that differs from the regular modes of expression. To discover an intriguing little mountain path that leads me up into the winding caverns of the imagination. Byways that diverge and distract you for a while but that ultimately take you back down towards the main road. Of truth. Hopefully with a new appreciation for its many nuances.

My intention is to be someone’s weirdest conversation. The anecdote they retell at parties as an example of convoluted associations, strange wording and mind blowing entertainment value. And at the same time I wish to remain both truthful and honest. Unfortunately there appears to be no consistency of quality in any of my musings. Sometimes I have a way with words, at other times I simply have my way with them. Off-putting to some.

I’m perfectly fine with being alone for longer periods of time. It gives me the chance to reflect on things. A much needed inventory and reorganisation of the warehouse that is my mind. Aloneness also carries with it a sense of security and calm. One does not have to consider anything more than the thoughts that are racing through your head. Bouncing off of one another. Sparking new but partially mangled ideas. I suspect what inspires me to make such efforts at communicating is a quest for intimacy. A true feeling of belonging is what ties these periods of solitude together into something meaningful. The world is a wonderful place containing endless possibilities, with terrible consequences. Existence as a dimly lit carnival of extremes. Intimacy is what smooths over the jagged edges you might encounter in the dark. Verbiage is my entrance pass. Listen to it.

vicolly

29
Dec
08

Economical.

I just want things to be slightly closer together than they are right now. Think of how much space, time and energy we would save if they were. Imagine the savings we would make during the course of a year. What if your bedroom was a few steps closer to the front door. The kettle a little bit closer to your cup. A far off country not quite so far off, just down the road. Things would run much smoother, take less time and you would be closer to all the things you love. Mind you, it would also mean that you were closer to the more unpleasant things. But nothing good without some bad. That’s what your grandmother says, probably. And with my plan her house would be closer to yours as well. No excuses left to not go see her, you lazy bum!

If we just started moving things closer together by even a fraction we’d save a surface area the size of, let’s say, Belgium. Think of all the stuff we could put there. Like all of our garbage and meaningless nicknacks. Although arguments could be made that Belgium is already filled with frivelous crap. Nevertheless it would free up lots of space for items we need. Such as cement mixers and movie parlors. Hoist, move and bind things together. A glimmering economical future is on the horizon. With gusto we set sail for frugality and delectation. Hoorah!

19
Dec
08

Stringbeany Arguments.

Eating meat is not immoral. And the people who claim that it is should fuck off. This is what I’m going to be proving as this little post zips along at a hopefully comfortable pace.

The main problem I have with vegetarians and vegans that have chosen their dietary habits upon moral convictions is not that they seem to be stuck in a convoluted circular argument but that they are intolerant and refuse to take a debate. I myself can be quite intolerant, I do not believe that we can all be right about all things at every possible situation, I however always leave an opening for debate. A possibility for everyone to lay forth an argument for their case. No vegan/vegetarian seems willing to do so. They open up with a condemnation of my ethical code and then do not even give me the benefit of questioning their motivations. Claiming intolerance on my part. No sir or madame, you are the one being intolerant.

Of course I’m going to defend myself in a more knee-jerk reactionary way if you confront me with ethical accusations. However, underlying my sharpened tone is a well thought out thesis. A series of moral arguments which reach a conclusion. Let me deconstruct some parts of it for you. To lay it bare for inspection. Eating other organisms is required for your own survival. That’s a given. Where some draw the line seems very murky to me. Apparently the clincher is intelligence in some form. What exactly does this intelligence manifest itself as? You could argue that a pig or a cow or a monkey are self-aware in one way or another. Alright. Is a shrimp or fish self-aware? Hardly. They only function according to very simple natural instincts. They just mindlessly repeat actions and react to their environment. If anything they are organic machines.

Even the more intelligent animals we use in farming owe their entire existence to us. None of them would be here were it not for human ingenuity. Does that not then give us some license to continue their existence? The combined realities of market forces and the physical characteristics of these animals guarantee that they would not be able to subsist without human society. Life’s continuation necessitates us generating money from breeding, selling and eating these animals. It becomes a requirement that I enjoy a good steak once in a while for their species to survive. You think a cow would fare well in the wild? They’re a bear’s equivalent of a bacchanal.

That is another point. There are other animals besides ourselves that eat meat. They are out there killing each other. All the time. Are they somehow immoral? Using such logic you would have to concede that they are, something a vegan would never admit though. They have so little familiarity with actual nature outside of Disney movies that they believe animals have human characteristics. Such as the moral concepts of good and evil, personality and emotions. Anthropomorphizing animals into just being humans with fur and strange ears performing little song and dance routines. They are not privy to these ideas we have compiled on life, the world and morality.

This is the sharp contrast these highfalutin supposedly ethically conscious vegetarians cannot grasp. We humans are animals, not separated from nature by a glass wall. We are governed by natural instincts and our evolutionary past. Yet at the same time we are unique in that we have the ability to be moral. And if morality is not strictly a human attribute we are without a doubt the only ones who can analyze it. We can formulate strings of thought and hypothesize on the inner workings of our own morality. Lay down arguments on why one should behave and be a certain way and not another. To then communicate this to other minds is absolutely awe inspiring. Either we humans are unique in having the concept of morality (and are thus better) or animals behave in an immoral fashion at almost every point in their lives. This would also make us better than our fuzzy little woodland friends. Which is it guacamole lovers?

Inflicting pointless harm and pain on another living and breathing being is to be appalled, of course it is. But why am I in the wrong because I enjoy consuming the carcass of an animal? Most of them have lived a relatively stress free and painless life. Far more enjoyable than a creature in the wild, trust me. If you want change, demand more reforms. Help make sure that farming is done properly. Don’t alienate the majority of people by taking a moral high ground of your own construction. If you look closely at it you will discover that it’s just a mound of bullshit that you’re standing on.

Bacon, pork chops, barbecue ribs, hamburgers, steaks, grilled chicken and cutlets. Yummy and enticingly scrumptious. Can I please retain one of the few pleasures in life?

16
Dec
08

This Intensely Precious Thing.

That warm feeling of empathy is re-entering my life for the first time in quite a while. An unusual feeling reserved for a precious few. It’s deliciously enticing and alluring. Tasty in its sheer humanity. My imagination runs rampant. I start fantasizing of crawling in under the covers of a warm bed, pressing up against the soft skin of someone special. Is that you? Why yes, I do believe it is.

Hearing you cry makes me happy. It’s peculiar, I know. The intimacy I felt was incredibly palpable. An emotional telepathy that choked me up. Going into my chest, stirring up everything. Giving me the resting heart rate of a serial killer. Every beat whispering a thousand promises. Who thought this one event  could contain such a dignified and yet intensely vulnerable beauty? Another one of life’s interesting contrasts I suppose.

I’m not a poet, nor am I a genius. So I do not know if I will ever be able to aptly express the complexity of the joyous emotions you instill in me. They are at times overwhelming. They wash over me with a force so strong that I have to grasp for sanity. Even though I do not want to. I need to be in full possession of my faculties if I am to match you. For all its strength it is also giddy, delicate and fluttering. Like a midget’s toes pitter-pattering across a tin roof.

I know I’m swooning, in the open and on the nose. Perhaps even pubescent in my attempts to phrase this as correctly as my senses allow me. I seldom get close to conveying what I truly feel. Never near giving words to the emotions that I harbor. Inside of these fossilized remnants of a romantic heart. But there is a tiny speck of living tissue left in there. Ready for a rebirth or resurrection. Like in Jurassic Park, or that one guy in the bible. Be my scientist, my lovely boffin.

Your acumen is both shiny and new. Brilliantly bright, blindingly beautiful in your elegant intellect. Engulf me, despite my hyperbole.

Thanks for all the things you meant to say. I sense them in the peripheral vision of my mind’s eye. Hopefully you and I can pull them into full focus, together.

04
Dec
08

Practical Solutions.

Sports and Health-care

Why don’t hockey teams put a sumo wrestler in the goal? Tiny little goal, big fat fellow, seems sort of obvious to me. And if you can’t find a Japanese guy simply throw in a fat mid-western housewife or something. Anyone with the right girth will do. They don’t even need to know how to skate. Just have the teammates escort this behemoth out on the ice and shove ’em between the posts. All this person has to do is stay put and wheeze for long enough to survive the playoffs.

Hell, it could even be a diabetic stroke victim that had to lose a foot at some point. There are plenty of those around, more than you’d think. High-fructose corn syrup is cheap. Let’s put these people to good use and take some of the burden off of our failing health-care system. Good ideas like these will save western democracy. I’ll make sure of it. Even if it kills us all.

By the way: if athletes injure themselves I don’t want to see them automatically end up first in line for treatment. He won’t be able to play anymore? Good, fuck him. He knew what he was getting into when he laced up. They are no more important than anyone else on that list. The guy’s shuffling around a piece of leather on a field with his friends all day. We won’t be losing a cure for cancer here.

Death and Burial

When I die my request is to not be buried. No cremation for me either, thanks. I have some rather specific wishes I want carried out by my family and friends. Dress up, festively and in vibrant colours. Wear funny hats and shoes. Party it up. Drink, smoke, snort, huff, inject or freebase whatever you want. But do it for at least two days before and after the ceremony.

Drag my body into a desert of your choice. Place my corpse upon a black plinth three stories in height. Wait until the sun is setting in the west and that magic hour arrives. And at the very right moment; blow the entire thing to pieces in a huge fucking fireball of destructive power. Then cheer loudly as tiny pieces of debris and my body parts rain down upon you. Don’t worry, there will be umbrellas available for the more conservative among you.

Airport Security

Let’s face it, we probably won’t be able to make all aspects of air travel completely safe from attacks by crazy people. Instead of investing billions of dollars world wide on trying to check all the passengers I’ve come up with a somewhat more cost effective solution. Line the inside of all the airplanes with a two inch thick plate of steel. Give all the passengers a baseball bat on each flight. A proper Louisville Slugger painted orange for visibility.

You think any terrorist wants to be trapped inside a metal tube at high altitude with a bunch of panicked and desperate passengers carrying blunt objects? Going out in a crash is one thing, being bludgeoned to death in a cramped space is quite another. Sure there will be some unfortunate incidents not related to terrorism once in a while but that’s just par for the course. Security is paramount.

We sure do put an inordinate amount of time and effort into inane nonsense. Not me though. Only important subjects cross my mind. I’m a modern day renaissance man. Off-brand and suspiciously out of sync. The North Korean cartoon propaganda version of a comedy legend.

28
Nov
08

The Sociopath In All of Us.

Reading an article like this makes me uneasy. It also makes me ponder what exactly a sociopath is. Does it just constrain to this mold we have been hearing (and some of us reading) about? A person who lacks any and all sense of empathy for others. Seems like a pretty extreme example of alienation from humanity to me. What if they are not all on the fringe? They would be undetectable. Like a fart in a paper mill.

I cannot possibly be the only one who feels the harsh and pungent (get it?) sting of selfishness from other people on a regular basis. I’ll construct a little example: Say someone dumps you without a hint of compassion, they just feel sorry for themselves, for this tinge of guilt which they cannot quite explain. Is that sociopathic behaviour? Emotions are not chosen according to the situation as if they were a hat.

See also; ignoring someone in need
See also; cheating
See also; theft

Another characteristic of a psychopath is the constant search for personal gratification. A point seldom raised. Perhaps because it comes dangerously close to home for many of us “normal” folk. Surely our enjoyment of random sexual encounters, binge drinking, feeling superior, and aggregation of money and things for their own sake has no connection to the violent tendencies of a deranged loon? Maybe the serial killer/rapist is just more goal oriented than most. If narcissism was an extreme sport Ted Bundy would be its Tony Hawk. In place of grinding the paint off a half-pipe he’s grinding on someone’s windpipe with an ashtray. We may not all be champions but many of us have owned a skateboard.

If you found the imagery disturbing there might just be some hope for you yet. My apologies.

24
Nov
08

Inspiration.

monster3Not my best work…

There are times when I run out of good ideas. Periods when nothing I can think of is up to snuff. Everything seems like half-baked drivel that isn’t going anywhere. Certainly not towards that convergence of excellence. When enough good concepts come together naturally and make an incredible leap towards cogitation. The beauty of a carefully considered thought is what keeps me going. Or rather, the hunger for a return of that beauty.

The key is not to give up. Not to pack it in until a new idea comes fluttering into your consciousness. Quality has its own agenda and time table. I run out of ideas every single day, and every time it’s just as scary. I fear that I won’t be able to return to my previous peak. I threat that I have used up the last good idea that will ever come to me. Worst of all that I’ve done so while cracking wise at some pointless seminar or meeting. Does this activity deserve my best?

Good ideas should be, no must be executed. Convincing yourself that “I will get around to it when I have the right assets and can do it justice.” is a bad habit. One I have engaged in on far too many an occasion. Over-analyzing and dissecting every minute little detail before setting about creating will get you nowhere fast. Those ideas and concepts do not stay around in your mind as an insurance plan, a resource you can pull out when times are tough.

It eventually dawns on me that these perfect ideas I have in my head will never be as flawlessly performed in reality. You’re bound to fail the first time you do anything. However, a good idea carried out poorly still trumps a brilliant idea never realized.

What triggers me to create I do not know. But a certain person’s ephemeral smile seems to be doing the trick lately. What is your source of inspiration?




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