Posts Tagged ‘Athlete

24
Feb
09

Pretend Heroism.

Am I the only one getting seriously tired of being told that athletes are heroes? Why am I constantly being reminded through the media and other people that I should take pause and admire these heroic feats of make believe?

Wow! He jumped over a rather high horizontal stick using nothing but his own two legs and a really silly technique? Did he do it while wearing a colourful but impractical hat? Nothing’s athletically awe inspiring unless ridiculous headgear is a involved. If you ask me.

What are our values? ¬†Actual heroes put themselves at great personal risk in order to help others. A true hero might even face certain death to save another life. They do not retire at 40 and putter around strip clubs in Monaco, doing coke off of some skank’s snatch. Live the dream man, but don’t expect me to worship you for it.

Being the best at something non-sensical can be interesting, I’ll give you that. For instance – having the ability to masturbate over twenty times during the little drive to work is as impressive as it is daring. That type of stamina and speed and reckless disregard for traffic safety is outstanding. A hero however, you are not. Just sticky and exhausted.

Chasing a leather sphere around a field is as abhorrent a behaviour as many others frowned upon by society. (see example mentioned above) Add to this: Shimmying into a little outfit and squat-thrusting for hours in the name of fun and the entire thing seems borderline psychotic. Cheering them on feels almost cruel in such a context.

I understand why the media are farting out praises for these plastic heroes. There’s a profit to be made and airtime to be filled. Why in the world other people, many of whom could not care less about actual physical exercise, go on and on about sports I shall never understand.

Now, the joy of watching a sports injury unfold I can comprehend. Thank God these sportsmen aren’t discouraged by the fact that the laws of physics are working against them. Where would franchises like “World’s Worst Whatever” be? Out of business, that’s where. And in this economy we need all the profitable ventures we can get.

So gimme a jingle when the next NASCAR driver turns his torso into a modern work of art using nothing but the momentum of the vehicle. True heroes sacrifice their lives, after all. For my entertainment.

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04
Dec
08

Practical Solutions.

Sports and Health-care

Why don’t hockey teams put a sumo wrestler in the goal? Tiny little goal, big fat fellow, seems sort of obvious to me. And if you can’t find a Japanese guy simply throw in a fat mid-western housewife or something. Anyone with the right girth will do. They don’t even need to know how to skate. Just have the teammates escort this behemoth out on the ice and shove ’em between the posts. All this person has to do is stay put and wheeze for long enough to survive the playoffs.

Hell, it could even be a diabetic stroke victim that had to lose a foot at some point. There are plenty of those around, more than you’d think. High-fructose corn syrup is cheap. Let’s put these people to good use and take some of the burden off of our failing health-care system. Good ideas like these will save western democracy. I’ll make sure of it. Even if it kills us all.

By the way: if athletes injure themselves I don’t want to see them automatically end up first in line for treatment. He won’t be able to play anymore? Good, fuck him. He knew what he was getting into when he laced up. They are no more important than anyone else on that list. The guy’s shuffling around a piece of leather on a field with his friends all day. We won’t be losing a cure for cancer here.

Death and Burial

When I die my request is to not be buried. No cremation for me either, thanks. I have some rather specific wishes I want carried out by my family and friends. Dress up, festively and in vibrant colours. Wear funny hats and shoes. Party it up. Drink, smoke, snort, huff, inject or freebase whatever you want. But do it for at least two days before and after the ceremony.

Drag my body into a desert of your choice. Place my corpse upon a black plinth three stories in height. Wait until the sun is setting in the west and that magic hour arrives. And at the very right moment; blow the entire thing to pieces in a huge fucking fireball of destructive power. Then cheer loudly as tiny pieces of debris and my body parts rain down upon you. Don’t worry, there will be umbrellas available for the more conservative among you.

Airport Security

Let’s face it, we probably won’t be able to make all aspects of air travel completely safe from attacks by crazy people. Instead of investing billions of dollars world wide on trying to check all the passengers I’ve come up with a somewhat more cost effective solution. Line the inside of all the airplanes with a two inch thick plate of steel. Give all the passengers a baseball bat on each flight. A proper Louisville Slugger painted orange for visibility.

You think any terrorist wants to be trapped inside a metal tube at high altitude with a bunch of panicked and desperate passengers carrying blunt objects? Going out in a crash is one thing, being bludgeoned to death in a cramped space is quite another. Sure there will be some unfortunate incidents not related to terrorism once in a while but that’s just par for the course. Security is paramount.

We sure do put an inordinate amount of time and effort into inane nonsense. Not me though. Only important subjects cross my mind. I’m a modern day renaissance man. Off-brand and suspiciously out of sync. The North Korean cartoon propaganda version of a comedy legend.




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