Posts Tagged ‘Space

29
Dec
08

Economical.

I just want things to be slightly closer together than they are right now. Think of how much space, time and energy we would save if they were. Imagine the savings we would make during the course of a year. What if your bedroom was a few steps closer to the front door. The kettle a little bit closer to your cup. A far off country not quite so far off, just down the road. Things would run much smoother, take less time and you would be closer to all the things you love. Mind you, it would also mean that you were closer to the more unpleasant things. But nothing good without some bad. That’s what your grandmother says, probably. And with my plan her house would be closer to yours as well. No excuses left to not go see her, you lazy bum!

If we just started moving things closer together by even a fraction we’d save a surface area the size of, let’s say, Belgium. Think of all the stuff we could put there. Like all of our garbage and meaningless nicknacks. Although arguments could be made that Belgium is already filled with frivelous crap. Nevertheless it would free up lots of space for items we need. Such as cement mixers and movie parlors. Hoist, move and bind things together. A glimmering economical future is on the horizon. With gusto we set sail for frugality and delectation. Hoorah!

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04
Dec
08

Practical Solutions.

Sports and Health-care

Why don’t hockey teams put a sumo wrestler in the goal? Tiny little goal, big fat fellow, seems sort of obvious to me. And if you can’t find a Japanese guy simply throw in a fat mid-western housewife or something. Anyone with the right girth will do. They don’t even need to know how to skate. Just have the teammates escort this behemoth out on the ice and shove ’em between the posts. All this person has to do is stay put and wheeze for long enough to survive the playoffs.

Hell, it could even be a diabetic stroke victim that had to lose a foot at some point. There are plenty of those around, more than you’d think. High-fructose corn syrup is cheap. Let’s put these people to good use and take some of the burden off of our failing health-care system. Good ideas like these will save western democracy. I’ll make sure of it. Even if it kills us all.

By the way: if athletes injure themselves I don’t want to see them automatically end up first in line for treatment. He won’t be able to play anymore? Good, fuck him. He knew what he was getting into when he laced up. They are no more important than anyone else on that list. The guy’s shuffling around a piece of leather on a field with his friends all day. We won’t be losing a cure for cancer here.

Death and Burial

When I die my request is to not be buried. No cremation for me either, thanks. I have some rather specific wishes I want carried out by my family and friends. Dress up, festively and in vibrant colours. Wear funny hats and shoes. Party it up. Drink, smoke, snort, huff, inject or freebase whatever you want. But do it for at least two days before and after the ceremony.

Drag my body into a desert of your choice. Place my corpse upon a black plinth three stories in height. Wait until the sun is setting in the west and that magic hour arrives. And at the very right moment; blow the entire thing to pieces in a huge fucking fireball of destructive power. Then cheer loudly as tiny pieces of debris and my body parts rain down upon you. Don’t worry, there will be umbrellas available for the more conservative among you.

Airport Security

Let’s face it, we probably won’t be able to make all aspects of air travel completely safe from attacks by crazy people. Instead of investing billions of dollars world wide on trying to check all the passengers I’ve come up with a somewhat more cost effective solution. Line the inside of all the airplanes with a two inch thick plate of steel. Give all the passengers a baseball bat on each flight. A proper Louisville Slugger painted orange for visibility.

You think any terrorist wants to be trapped inside a metal tube at high altitude with a bunch of panicked and desperate passengers carrying blunt objects? Going out in a crash is one thing, being bludgeoned to death in a cramped space is quite another. Sure there will be some unfortunate incidents not related to terrorism once in a while but that’s just par for the course. Security is paramount.

We sure do put an inordinate amount of time and effort into inane nonsense. Not me though. Only important subjects cross my mind. I’m a modern day renaissance man. Off-brand and suspiciously out of sync. The North Korean cartoon propaganda version of a comedy legend.

14
Nov
08

Illusions of Purpose and Choice.

I have no idea where I’m headed in life. I have ambitions, sure, but very little skill to make these feverish visions of mine into reality. I’m not a demonic director, driven by my delusions of grandeur. Nor am I motivated by the simple joys of dominating other people. Letting them cower in submission as I madly stab at the canvas, laughing hoarsely and flinging my monocle at my assistant. All the while the critics will sing my praises. Women will want to sleep with me. Men will want to be me and some men will want to be in me. Monkeys will gaze at my grandness and wish they too had been blessed with a higher rank on the evolutionary scale. Not that I’ve given this much thought or anything.

My point being, no one seems to have any damn idea what they are doing anymore. Didn’t people used to have a higher purpose in life? Some sort of end goal they were striding towards? A glistening, bright future they pinned their hopes on? It just seems like everyone is adrift on the open sea these days. No point of reference, no horizon, no hope in their heart. Just being tossed about by wave after wave. Mercilessly at the whim of forces they cannot quite grasp. The forces of pointlessness.

You don’t have any more freedoms today than your great grandparents had. In fact, you might very well have fewer. That you can choose from fifteen different types of fussili pasta, twenty-three variations of toothpaste and four sorts of oranges (I counted all of these at one of those huge mega-stores) means absolutely nothing. These alternatives are all superficial, they only give you the illusion of choice. What real difference would it have made in my life if I had bought apples instead of oranges? Absolutely fuck all. You can in fact compare apples to oranges, believe it or not. It’s just fruit.

Individualism clearly has merits. The idea of self-determination without compulsion is one any non-cretin must cherish. It is not without its flaws though. Most people are ignorant. A very large portion of them are also dumb. Couple this with democratic governance and you’ll see that some rather interesting patterns will begin to emerge. If everyone agrees to live in a community but then only look out for their own self-interests things will go awry. Of course, this is all very entertaining to a sick individual such as myself but it’s not very productive.

Pretty soon you’ll have a government whose only job is to balance the fucking budget and keep the shit at shoe level. And people will think that’s just awesome! ‘Cause things are going so well now that we are finally free. Free from commitment of any kind, that is. To be free is not just to be without hardship. We have come to expect much from society, while contributing little. We carry a sense of entitlement so grossly out of proportion to our actual importance it’s staggering. If you died tomorrow what would the world be like? Sure your mother would cry a little (maybe not as much as you’d expect or like) and that’s pretty much it. She has to get on with her life, get on with the shopping. Forwards is the direction that indicates purpose. Don’t ya know?

This entire movement towards hyper-individualism has been touted as the solution to all of our personal problems. If you only concentrate on yourself and look no further than your own feelings everything will be alright. Well, people have been doing this for over 50 years now. Are we any more happy today? Hardly. Everyone seems confused and bewildered. We have become isolated, lonely and afraid. No matter how secure and centered we are. No matter how stoic in our outlook. No matter how free we are. We all want to belong, to something.

I do not really believe in destiny. It always seems to lead you down the same path towards some sort of spooky space-god. Wanting to believe that a semi-benevolent dictator is behind the scenes of this macabre little puppet show we call life is a frightening thought. But if the only destiny we have is that which we make for ourselves, what exactly is it that we have made? Pointless consumerism, selfishness as a sacrament, meaningless sexual encounters and reality-TV? If that’s all we can come up with I say: Bring back manifest destiny and tell it to stay away from the indigenous people if possible.

Was anything better “in the good old days”? Almost definietly not. Maybe…